SURVIVING CHILD ABUSE

Earlier this year a young father named Kristian Anderson died of cancer in Sydney.

You may have seen his public battle with the disease as his plight made world headlines thanks to Oprah Winfrey.  Oprah had seen Christian's beautiful video to his wife for her birthday, and when in Sydney Oprah transitioned his private battle to a worldwide public story by interviewing the couple on her show.

How the light gets in is a Leonard Cohen lyric which Kristian loved. In his final post on his blog Kristian wrote:

"The truth being we're all broken, we're all cracked and what so many people see as a fault or a malfunction really is something to be considered useful." 

This statement is something that rang so very true with me on many different levels. What Christian was saying was that instead of looking at the crack and the light getting in as a bad thing insofar as letting the cancer in, but to take that light and see it as a positive energy and a symbol of hope.

We need to take what is perceived as a negative and make it a positive as Kristian was saying - this is something that has kept me personally going for many years. We need to work on doing this every day and eventually it will become second nature.

Grabbing hold of the tiniest glimmer of hope in a situation which may appear to others as hopeless, and running as fast as you can in a positive direction is how I like to live my life.  I never see "problems", only challenges - and I love a challenge.

Depression, that big black cloud loitering around over our heads threatening to darken our lives, can often darken our view and obstruct our view of that glimmer of hope we need. For some people it's a daily battle to struggle on. Some days are better than others. Some weeks are easier than others. And for some, the darkness is loitering in the background ominously threatening to barge into their lives once again.

A very dear friend of mine is passionate about negative core scrips and overcoming them in everyone including me. His name is Father Chris Riley and he founded Youth off the Streets 20 years ago - one of Australia's largest charities dedicated to disadvantaged youth.  His motto is "never, ever give up" and he lives his life by it. If he hears anything remotely negative come out of my mouth, he is onto it immediately.  He is the same with his kids too and it is a delight to see them practising what he preaches.  Whilst I think I'm fairly aware of negative core scripts and ensuring that my mind is focussed on the positives, sometimes I do slip up.

Try it out for yourself - it really does work...here are a few simple examples of how you may be able to change your negative core scripts:

Instead of saying: Í'll never get that job

Say: I'm the best person for that job!

Instead of saying: Life really sucks

Say: I love life!

Give it a shot - let the light into your life.

Over the years I have developed what I call "protective strategies" for myself in an attempt to keep my life happy, healthy, peaceful and buoyant. Every morning when I first see my son, no matter the weather, I say to him "good morning darling, what a BEAUTIFUL day!" - and this is how we start each and every day of our life - with a positive affirmation.  You may like to try this one yourself - it really does work to start your day out with a positive - rain, hail or shine.

In addition to positive core scripts, as best I can, I keep negativity out of my life and that includes people. Negativity from others is completely toxic - and that fallout is something I definitely dont need or want in my life. So, whilst I'm tolerant to a point, I choose my own health and happiness as a priority and distance myself from toxic people.

Another little trick of mine is to make my bed each morning as soon as I get out of it - this means that I simply cannot get back into it even if the big black dog comes along and bites me! It's the very first thing I do - and it may be a small thing, but it's another of my protective strategies.

A book I read many years ago by Paul Hanna, called "You Can Do It", says "Like the pilot of a 747, you have all the controls at your fingertips to allow you to take off and fly at any altitude you wish. But many people cruise along at the same altitude for years, unhappy with the bumpy ride they are experiencing in life, and thinking that they just have to put up with it."

You have the power to not only take control of your life, but to change it - remember that. It isn't anybody else's responsibility to make you happy, only YOU can do that.

Do you have protective strategies in place to keep negativity and toxicity out of your life?  Are you aware of your negative core scripts and determined to change them to positive ones?  Do you want to be happy as possible in your life?

My suggestion to you is, go on, grab that glimmer of hope right now and turn it into the brightest, shiniest twinkling star in the sky - you know you can!

If you'd like to read Kristian's blog http://howthelightgetsin.net/about/

Anger is such a negative emotion whichever way you look at it.  It eats away at your insides. It rustles around in the back of your mind distracting your thoughts. It can cloud your judgement and change the way you may be perceived by everyone around you.  It has the ability to take over your life - but only if you let it!

Many survivors are angry - and while that may be ok for a while during a healing phase, at some point I believe one must let the anger go to enable living a happy and healthy life. Sometimes survivors have trouble letting go of their anger.  And sometimes it can appear that some survivors even enjoy their anger, as they seem to always be looking for something or someone to be angry with.

When you are angry one can often take their negative feelings out on those around them - like children, partners, friends, family, and even the very people around them who are trying to support and help them.  This anger and negative behaviour can sometimes make it impossible for people to remain your friend, or for people to want to stick around and help you out. It's hard work dealing with anger from someone frequently - can you really blame people for giving up on you if all you do is hit them with negativity continually.

Can you imagine how good life may be without your anger? What a joy a day or a week could be for you without being angry. If you completely removed anger from your daily living, I suggest it may just be a FANTASTIC feeling! Getting through the day, work, kids school, life would be just so much brighter and easier without negativity. So much simpler and happier!

Remember that for every action, there is a re-action....which means that when you behave in an angry manner with someone, that someone will react to your anger. But who do you have to blame for their reaction - nobody but yourself....right? Right!

Try to imagine the last time you got angry with someone. What did you say to them? Were you agressive or terse with them? Did you write a nasty email to them? Did you yell at them?  Now, try to think about what may have happened if you had handled that situation WITHOUT anger. Would the outcome  have been better? Would you have felt better? I guess - yes and yes!

And, have a think about this....when you get angry with someone, or about something, do you generally overreact then regret it later? Do you say or do nasty things and then wish you hadn't?

YOU and only YOU have the power to overcome your own anger.  Nobody can fix your problems for you nor give you a magic pill to remove whatever it is that makes you angry.  It is unrealistic to think that someone or something can fix whatever makes you angry. Only you have that power.

You have a choice - you can choose to be angry, or you can choose NOT to be angry. Simple.

I don't have the answers as to how to get rid of the anger within you, nor does anyone else  - but what I can suggest is potentially taking a step back...just for a moment...and taking a good look at yourself.  Look at yourself really hard. How does your anger affect your actions?  How does your anger affect your decision-making? How does your anger affect your life?

Now think about how your life would be without the anger. Did you just breathe a gentle sigh of relief? You should have.

The negativity of anger can be toxic. It can slowly creep up on you, devour your inner being and swallow up your very soul showing the world a bitter, aggressive, unlikeable character and deterring good people from remaining in your life. It can be truly exhausting, overwhelming and take over your life - if you let it.

I also believe that the side affects of anger could be more harmful than whatever it was that made you angry in the first place!

I've spent several years now speaking with survivors from all over, and to me the ones who are dealing with their trauma best are the ones who have learnt to let go of the anger.  They are dealing with the traumas of their past, and actually WANT to be happy and healthy.  And, they're not angry any more. They have stopped playing the blame-game and taking out their anger on everyone else.

Still wounded, but without the anger their healing can continue - and that's what I wish for you - that you can learn to let go of the toxic anger and work towards happiness and good health.

The statistics are frighteningly high when it comes to people who have been sexually abused in childhood. We know this.

One in three women, and one in five men will have been sexually abused by the time they reach the age of 16. FACT.

And, while the statistics tell us that there are more women than men that are survivors, why is it that we seldom hear men speaking out and going public with their abuse? 

Understandably, it's extremely difficult for anyone to speak publicly about their abuse, let alone tell the world of their childhood trauma via the media.  For all survivors secrecy, shame, guilt, and isolation have all been factors in their ongoing silence, with the majority of survivors not even disclosing their abuse until well into adulthood. 

I can't help but think that there are so many more men out there who are suffering in silence and alone for fear of the stigma wrongly placed on this scourge of society we know as childhood sexual assault (CSA). The fact that so many women speak out publicly about their abuse, points the community to the false idea that survivors of abuse are only females.

There are many urban myths bandied about when it comes to CSA, and I'd like to attempt to break down (if not eradicate) some of these myths which inhibit male survivors coming forward, disclosing their assaults, making police statements, seeking help etc.

Urban Myth Number 1 - Boys who are sexually abused go on to sexually abuse others.

One of my personally more hated myths, the Vampire Sydrome (as it is known) is extremely dangerous and damaging for the abuse survivor.  Survivors are NOT destined to become offenders - statistics tell us this. Another concern is that instead of being seen as a victim who needs support and  help, male survivors can be treated as potential offender.  It is true that most perpetrators have histories of sexual abuse, although it is VERY important to note that most victims DO NOT become offenders.

Urban Myth Number 2 - Boys abused by males are or will become homosexual.

The greater majority of male survivors I meet tell me a similar story "I wondered if I was gay".  Whether sexual abuse is perpetrated by a male or female, CSA is damaging in many ways, including the confusion about one's sexual identity or orientation - this is a standard "symptom".

Urban Myth Number 3 - Boys and men can't be "victims".

Society's tough guy image of how men should look, behave and react has a lot to answer for!  Men were once children, and children can be victims, as all children are vulnerable. 

Perpetrators are larger in stature, strength and worldly knowledge - all combining to be power over children, male or female.

Urban Myth Number 4 - If a boy experiences arousal or orgasm he was a willing participant.

Even in traumatic and painful situations, males can and do respond physically to stimulation. Many survivors feel incredible guilt because of their bodies reaction to being abused.  This does not mena that the child "wanted" or "enjoyed" the experience.

Some perpetrators even use the child's physical response as a bribe to maintain silence.

Urban Myth Number 5 - Boys are less traumatized by the abuse experience than girls.

The long term effects of CSA on males and females are quite damaging.  In fact, I often wonder if males are more damaged by society's refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, and by their resultant belief that men must "tough it out" in silence.

If you're a male survivor of abuse, or you know someone who is, there is much help, literature and support out there for you to help on your healing journey. There really is no reason for you to suffer in silence any longer.  Remembering that you were the VICTIM, and that this was not your fault, you should have absolutely no shame nor guilt in what happened to you as a child.  And, we as a society must think seriously think about the damage being done by perpetuating these urban myths and in turn, the ongoing trauma of male survivors.

Survivors Australia has listed many resources for survivors www.survivorsaustralia.org

 
Anyone who knows me, knows that I have had a long-term love affair with chocolate which I have been battling the majority of my adult life. One of my other passions in food is carbohydrates.  Both of which  have been touted in the media as "bad" for you insofar as keeping trim, taut, and terrific.

I have also spent my entire adult life battling to keep my figure, especially since the birth of my son.  So, carbs and chocolate have been a no-go zone for the majority of the time and the multitude of personal trainers, dietitians, doctors I have consulted have all told me to stay away from my favourite foods.

Funnily enough, at low points in my life (aka depression) I crave both chocolate and carbohydrates, usually in the form of pasta.

So, you can imagine my delight when my research on foods which could assist in overcoming depression turned up both carbs AND chocolate on the good-to-eat-list!! I found lots of information on the internet which you may find both interesting and useful as well which I have included below.

As we are all aware, depression is one of the very common symptoms of childhood sexual assault so I'm definitely not alone here - it can be an extremely debilitating side-affect for adults, sometimes for the rest of our lives.

A site in the UK called www.dailymail.co.uk amongst other research turned up the following information:  There are many methods for treating depression ranging from various forms of therapy through to prescription medications.  What is often overlooked is what we eat and how the foods we select can either help or hinder depression in survivors.

There is a chemical in our brain called Serotonin which is believed to promote calmness and ease depression. Now, foods themselves don't actually contain serotonin, but what you can do is choose to eat foods which may be able to tip the balance in favour of increased serotonin production in the brain.

Personally at present, I have been attempting to reduce the amount of carbs in my diet, however a carbohydrate rich diet (pasta, wholemeal bread, high fibre cereals) is thought to help.

A recent study in the UK pointed towards a reduction in signs of depression in stress-prone 18-25 year olds when they were put on a high-carb diet.

Other dietary suggestions which may help are to get a sufficient intake of essential fats from sources like vegetable oil, nuts, green leafy vegetables and fish. A very low fat intake has been linked with higher rates of depression and suicide.

So, to be more specific, here's a list of food 'uppers' you can try:

• Brazil nuts - very rich in selenium, which research shows may help prevent low mood.
• Peas - good source of vitamin B1 needed for healthy nerves.
• Liver - very rich in iron and vitamin B6.
• Sardines - rich in potassium, iron and B vitamins - all needed to maintain healthy brain chemistry. Omega-3s in oily fish may help overcome certain brain disorders.
• Dark chocolate - the feel good factor comes from the flavour, aroma and the way it melts in your mouth.
• Chillies - help promote the release of pleasure-boosting endorphins in the brain.
• High fibre breakfast cereal - rich in carbohydrates to boost blood sugar and fortified with B vitamins for a healthy nervous system.
• Bananas - supply mood-boosting carbohydrates and vitamin B6.

Another way which may assist in increasing levels of serotonin in the brain is, of course, regular exercise. Exercise may also increase endorphins, which are another chemical in the brain with mood lifting properties.

Could it be that my chocolate and carb cravings all these years, could have in fact been my brains way of helping me to overcome my depression?  What do you think?

* Please note: it is important to eat a healthy, well-balanced diet and you should seek professional advice if making dramatic changes to your diet, and when commencing an exerce regime. Counselling and therapy are also important in the recovery process, as is regular exercise. I do not recommend over-indulging in chocolate or any other foods. If you think you are suffering from depression you should seek medical advice. Thanks to dailymail.co.uk for some information in this post.

YOU HAVE A CHOICE - OVERCOME YOUR ANXIETY OR CONTINUE TO LET IT CONTROL YOU

As a survivor of abuse there will potentially be many triggers in your everyday life which take you back to the actual abuse, the period of time of abuse or other bad memories is normal behaviour in a great majority of survivors is to avoid these "triggers" in your life.  This is known as avoidance behaviour or disorder.

How many times have you driven kilometres out of your way to avoid a location where abuse occurred.  Even just the thought of driving anywhere near that location gets your heart racing. Or do you confront your fears head on and head right down that road directly past the scene of your abuse and save yourself the hassle, much time, and  petrol?

Similar situations come up throughout life, from family, jobs and relationships.

You must remember that you have a choice - overcome your anxiety or continue to let it control you.

All people feel uneasy at various points in their lives and one of the most common reactions to this anxiety is avoidance.  Avoidance is a self-sabotaging behaviour and one that I am an expert in.

The example given above about driving kilometres around an area which may "trigger" me, is in fact a very real example. Since I have been driving, I have never driven past the "scene of the crimes" - but I am happy to report however, that instead of driving about 10kms out of my way to avoid the area - I can now actually drive within nearly 2 kms.  Sure I get neck strain, turning my head the other way to avoid signage, familiar streets etc, but I am learning slowly to overcome my anxiety and to save myself much time and money in the process.

Until I made the effort to understand the cause of my anxiety I was unable to face my fears.  So, my suggestion to you is that the number 1 step in the process for overcoming avoidance, is to understand WHY you are avoiding certain things.

Next step in the proces is to understand HOW you respond to your fears/triggers.  Often, if we look closely enough, we will see that the manner in which we respond to our fears can often manifest that fear and make it far greater than it needs to be!

If you can learn HOW respond to anxiety and work on changing those negative avoidance behaviours, you will find that you will eventually be able to overcome your anxieties and achieve goals you would have thought impossible to reach ever before.

For me, what works and has worked best is to work on one thing at a time.  Set your goals but dont try to tackle them all at once. Attack one goal at a time and you'll be sure to win.

You have probably heard of positive reinforcement - for example when training a puppy with food as rewards. But what about negative reinforcement? When talking of anxiety, negative reinforment is the "avoidance". So, in effect you are rewarding a negative behaviour by avoiding a "trigger" in your life.

Understanding your negative reinforcement techniques will assist you to overcome those fears you have related to your childhood trauma.  Whenever you decide to tackle one of your goals, but you let the anxiety take over and you give up, you are avoiding the situation which is negatively reinforcing yourself. You are sabotaging your goals just so you don't have to experience the fear anymore!

Remember, the more you avoid anxious situations, the more likely you are to avoid future anxiety-inducing situations.

So, is it really possible to overcome avoiding triggers? How can you achieve your goals? If you can understand your avoidance behavior then you will also uderstand how you are influenced by negative reinforcement.

Just when you find yourself about to avoid a situation you would normally avoid - you must consciously think to yourself "by avoiding this situation I am negatively reinforcing this behaviour and perpetuating it."

Once you consciously admit and accept that you are avoiding anxiety, and thus self-sabotaging, the next step is to force yourself to face that fear and see the situation through. And if at first you dont succeed - try again!

As a grown adult, who is no longer a victim but a survivor remember that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself!.

And of course, all of this is far easier said than done - but remember the motto of Survivors Australia - never, ever give up.  So, take it easy on yourself, select one goal at a time to attack and when you have overcome one fear, then move onto another.

It took me 26 years to drive down the main road of the suburb where my abuse occurred, so remember to take it easy on yourself and do what you can when you can. The more determined you are to face your fears, the easier it will be for you to overcome them without too much effort at all.

Go on - GO FOR IT - take back control of your life NOW!

Thanks to psychology.com for information contained in this post.